Thursday, June 30, 2011

Obama’s Meeting With Jobs, Schmidt, & Zuckerberg




The Org Charts Of All The Major Tech Companies

Worst Card Played!!!

My Dear husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Julie,
Your EX-Wife,

Ps: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Nairobi together! Have a great life!

01/06/2011:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work anymore.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the UGX 99,000 price tag was still on it & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed UGX 100,000 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the UGX 500 Million Lotto, last Saturday, I left my job yesterday & today morning I bought 2 tickets for us to the Bahamas. But when I got home this evening, you were gone!

I guess everything happens for a reason... I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer confirms to me that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care,

Apollo,
Your Ex-Husband - Rich & Free as Hell !!!!!!!!!!....

The Difference Between Mac & PC Users

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I JUST LOVE THIS GUY'S CONFIDENCE AND DETERMINATION

Nasser Ntege Ssebagala with journalists (Daily Monitor Photo)

Confident Ssebagala
I just want to inform to you I answer them very very nicely and everyboday was happy. Do not forget that we have all the big number in the in committee so that I don't see how I cannot pass through. The President come very clearly he give me the biggest minister , ministry. Look at my eyes, that's why I see that I am sure I will be there.

Academic qualifications
To be a mayor you know what requirement to be a mayor. I thinks you should have a qualification a same qualification which require to be a member of parliament. I have been there mayor twice. So if I was not havy those qualification, I will not be there mayor for this long time.

Travel restrictions
I have got a house in USA, United States of America. My children are in America. I have been several time in America. I have been travelling all the international areas. Then when you say to me that is you have got the fact, that is I think that's a fiction.

About his integrity
We do have all the documentary in our country our accounting area. If it was not integrity on that side, I could be in IGG. But none of you heard me that I had be taken to the IGG. So the people who had be taken to IGG I think you can understand them. So that I think you should know why Nasser Ntege Ssebagala had been the mayor of Kampala while not being taken to IGG or Police. Thank you very much, Mbayise ku Party.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Entebbe Airport Update:

No more driving to the departure. Park your car in the parking lot. Get your heavy suitcases onto a cart to the stairs! Lift your luggage up the stairs. Your passport checked at the gate. Luggage pases through scanners. Passport and ticket checked agin before you get to the check in counter. All checked again at check in counter. All checked again at the immigration. Last check: shoes out, coins, belts, cap, watchetc....then passport checked again......!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

James Bond Response to Apple Ad Appearance Offer

US First Lady Meets Nelson Mandela in South Africa

US First Lady Meets Nelson Mandela in South Africa

Kyoka Uganda Police!

Job Collins 21 June 18:18

Uganda Police never stops to amuse, especially their intelligence outfits. Today, I was treated to another spectacular "professional" services just shortly after 1:00pm. I had started my day perfectly, had a meeting in Entebbe then rushed to attend a brief one in Lubowa, and returned to Kampala, with an intent to rush over for some "chicken and chips" in Wandegeya. Suddenly, two "serious" policemen (one in uniform, the other plain clothed) came over, stopped me and told me "We have been following you, we have 'Intelligence Report' that you have a dangerous certified information which we must have now".

I looked at them, and asked... "who sent you and which intelligence report are you talking about?". Then, finding it difficult, they asked that I be taken to their postalong Kampala road for "interrogation and searching", I accepted, and we drove off to the Police Post. A man with a fat stomach sat in and I was ushered in. Two more men came in. I then told them, " you said there is intelligence report which implicates me of something, can you elaborate, because I cant accept to be interrogated over what I have no clue over. What is the reason for bringing me here"? Finding it tough, they started quarking.

The man with a huge belly, almost my size, gained courage. He picked a copy of the New Vision newspaper and showed me an article, with the heading ..."Police warns public on forged car log book" (please find the link herein above and also herein below http://www.facebook.com/l/9b8c5IHVh-2VDJW2XO4hhjalRAQ/www.newvision.co.ug/D/8/13/758148
Already feeling hungry because I was intercepted before reaching my favourite Wandegeya based restaurant, I didnt ask them further questions, I expected questions from them. Then, the plain-clothed man asked for my laptop bag for it to be searched. I gave. After searching the bag and finding nothing worthy of their 'intelligence reports", they started shaking in fear. Interestingly, they came across a document (an agreement/MoU between the organization I lead and a partner, stamped with my official stamp) and they started querrying the authenticity of the document.

I get pissed off and told them, are you supposed to be wherever I negotiate partnerships? Must you be notified everything I do and everywhere I go? Then, the men made fools of themselves, and with NOTHING else to complain of, and their "intelligence chief" seemingly in hidding due to giving FAKE reports, the policemen started asking me for some SODA, saying they are very hungry and has been working alot to trace me and other people.

Finding their request very BOGUS, I ordered them to release me immediately before I call in my Attorney and things turn bad. They Apologized and asked me to leave their office peacefully. That is actually the UGANDAN POLICE FORCE ON DUTY!


http://www.newvision.co.ug/D/8/13/758148

www.newvision.co.ug
The New Vision is Uganda's leading daily newspaper. {PAGE_META_DESCRIPTION}

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Pig and the Horse!




There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him. A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:

- Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said:

- Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said:

- Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and
the vet said:

- Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down
tomorrow.Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses. After they left, the pig approached the horse and said:

- Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come
on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two,
three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in thefield and began shouting:
- It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's kill the pig!

Points for reflection:
- this often happens in the workplace. Nobody truly
knows which employee actually deserves the merit of success, or who's actually contributing the necessary support to make thingshappen.

LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT RECOGNITION IS A SKILL!
If anyone ever tells you that your work is unprofessional, remember: amateurs built the Ark and professionals built the Titanic.

DON'T LOOK TO BECOME A PERSON OF SUCCESS, LOOK INSTEAD TO BECOME A PERSON OF VALUE!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Only in America

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

Tweets!

Monday, June 13, 2011

July 1, 11

CALENDER ‘11

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME WE WILL SEE AND LIVE THIS EVENT
Calendar for July 2011

July

Sun

Mon

Tue

Wed

Thu

Fri

Sat

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

Money bags

This year, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This happens
once every 823 years. This is called money bags. So, forward this to
your friends and money will arrive within 4 days. Based on Chinese
Feng Shui. The one who does not forward.....will be without money.


Kinda interesting - read on!!!


This year we're going to experience four unusual dates.

1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 and that's not all...

Take the last two digits of the year in which you were born - now add
the age you will be this year,

The results will be 111 for everyone in whole world. This is the year of
the Money!!!

The proverb goes that if you send this to eight good friends money will
appear in next four days as it is explained in Chinese FENGSHUI.

Those who don't continue the chain won't receive.......

It's a mystery, but its worth a try. good luck. "I GET BY GIVING"

Saturday, June 11, 2011

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREAST, 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS

[Description: maid6]

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."


Teen Answers

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in
England. These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but
entertaining, 16 year olds.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgagecompany insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well
endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The
abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condom

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Free Uganda campaigners blocked

How to treat In-Laws

A long time ago in China , a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.

In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that,
according to ancient Chinese tradition,
Li-Li had to bow to hermother-in-law and obey her every wish. Al l the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband greatdistress.

Finally,
Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper anddictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who soldherbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.

Mr. Huang
thought for awhile, and finally said, "Li-iL, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."

Li-Li said,"Yes, Mr. Huang,
I will do whatever you tell me to do. "Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that wouldcause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of theseherbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobodysuspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. "Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen." Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Liserved the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost
never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with hermother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law's attitude toward
Li-Li changed, and she beganto love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find.Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like areal mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep off the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She's changed into such a nicewoman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her todie because of the poison I gave her."

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head.
"Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to
improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

HAVE YOU REALIZED that
how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: "The person who loves others will also be loved in return." God might be trying to work in another person's life through you.

The Ultimate Netflix Guide: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Netflix

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